Sweet Showers

Today I am going to a baby shower. It is the first of a few over the next few weeks. I have been to so many over the past ten years for some beautiful women who have become wonderful mothers. It is such a wonderful thing to be a part of - helping someone usher a new little one into the world by showering them with love, support, crocheted blankets, and nipple cream. As the years progressed and our friends had children, first one, then two, at times it was painful for me to attend the showers on one hand, while at the same time it was a way for me to stay connected to the tribe of mothers that I so wished to be a part of. It has been nine years since we were married (on the solstice in June) and today I am having a shower. It feels like a rite of passage, a turning point, and a delicious treat I am sneaking in the middle of the night all rolled into one.
At first, I really didn't think I "should" have a shower. We are adopting and it felt funny somehow; then it sunk in - we are bringing home a baby!!!! I am going to be a mother and I will walk through the doorway into the mothers' room of life and I would like to have my beloved circle of women there with me. It is so humbling to know that women will gather today to celebrate me becoming a mother just as we have gathered together to celebrate others. I am truly honored and amazed. AND, my mom will be there! We are so blessed to have TWO grandmas here for our baby!!!

As most of you know, although I have not published much about, I have been preparing to breastfeed our little one when he arrives. I have followed the protocol that was designed by Lenore Goldfarb and Dr. Jack Newman http://www.asklenore.com/ and started pumping on Friday night (six weeks before the due date). It was not so comfortable at first - okay, painful the first night before I figured out that I needed to turn the pump down! - but last night, only 24 hours later while pumping for the fifth time, my breasts produced little drops of milk!!!! I cried so hard out of relief and amazement at the awe of it all. Tony was with me as I was doing this and just smiled in supportive understanding of my sheer pleasure knowing that I CAN DO IT and I will be able to feed our baby by breastfeeding. It feels like, and maybe it is, a miracle.

So, today I title my post "sweet showers" for two reasons - the modern ritual of a baby shower in my honor and the shower of sweet drops of milk that are sure to come more.

Thank you for your loving prayers all along this journey and for listening!
With hope and gratitude,
Tamara

Getting Close!

I am embarrassed to see that my last post was January 30. I can see how time flies when you're busy as a "one armed paper hanger" - as my grandmother used to say. We have been quite busy around here and there is still more to do....LOTS more...but we are getting close! So, here is the most current - my house is a mess....It must be like the squirrels I used to watch build nests. They would just fling sticks out of the trees and they would fall down in scattered piles all around the base of the tree. I feel like all of the "pieces" to our nest are all scattered all around but we are in this "nesting mode" and it will somehow work out that soon we will have a lovely nest. The sticks that are in place so far:
1. carpet down
2. walls painted
3. crib bought
4. changing table/dresser bought
5. cloth diapers bought
6. breastpump ready
Well, that seems like a short list now, but it feels like a lot! We'll get there. We are so excited to bring him home in just two short months. Somehow I'll get the house cleaned up and sorted through and all of the sticks in place just right - or not! I'm not so sure he'll notice, really.
Today our birthmom told me that the baby has the hiccups....it is such an incredible gift, blessing, miracle that she includes me in these things and I will be eternally grateful for it.
Eternally grateful is a long time, but I mean it! I think that this journey connects us in a way that can only be understood in the span of eternity - a shared path that connects us on a path that goes far beyond this moment or this life it seems.
With love and hope,
Tamara

It's a BOY

We are at 20 weeks now! AND, it's a BOY!!! Wow, a boy. I was able to go with our birthmom to the ultrasound and saw it loud and clear - a boy. Tony is so excited! We are half way there, too. 20 out of 40 weeks. This is so exciting; now we are in preparation mode. I'm not quite sure what to do with myself...there is so much to do, it's a challenge to focus on it. I am getting things together to start preparing to breastfeed and am very excited about that :). Dr. Jack Newman of Toronto is a huge help. His website http://www.drjacknewman.com/ is great as he is the forerunner/expert in the field. I am looking forward to the bonding experience and am grateful there is a chance of providing at least most of the breastmilk for the baby!

Here's a picture of the little guy.

Isn't it amazing?

With love and hope,

Tamara and Tony

Expecting

We feel as if we are "expecting" and I guess we really are!!! Of course, I'm not pregnant, but our birthmom is and due June 19! It is just so incredibly exciting. Nine years ago tomorrow, we got engaged to be married and 5 short months later we were married on June 21...this feels so similar. In only 5 short months from now, we will bring our baby home. We just cannot express how incredibly grateful we are to God for blessing us with the hope and faith that He has given us. It is amazing to believe that soon we will be parents. We've already started some preparations, of course, and continue to do so - this is the "oh my gosh there is so much to do" stage, I guess! Wow :)

Thank you all for your continued support and prayers.
With love and hope,
Tamara and Tony

On the Receiving Path!!

Happy New Year!!!
It has been since Thanksgiving that I have posted....wow how time flies! Sorry about that!
As some of you know, I have been creating art for a number of years now that depicts (although not always consciously) "baby" or "fetal" shapes, pregnant bellies, and images of that sort. Well, just before the last post, I had a dream of quilting them all together (there are 100's of them now) and creating "receiving blankets". Yes, RECEIVING blankets. I did quilt a few Touch Drawings together for the Touch Drawing show at our gallery which is coming down today. What amazes me is that we are now on what I refer to as the Receiving Path; we are ready and preparing not to "get pregnant" but to receive a baby. Wow!
It looks like it will be June when our baby arrives and we are so excited to be preparing for him or her!!!(We have chosen to not find out if the baby will be a girl or a boy - it really makes no difference :).

We are so deeply grateful to ALL OF YOU for your continued support and ask for your prayers and well wishes as we journey with the baby's birthmom through her pregnancy and the birth of baby. She is wonderful and we feel so blessed to know her and to be able to do this with her. What an amazing heart and beautiful woman! It is with GREAT joy that we announce that we are planning for the arrival of our baby on June 19!! That gives us almost 6 months to prepare. We'll try to keep you updated better.

Receiving such blessings is challenging, and yet I feel like God has prepared us to do so. The term "receiving blanket" is so appropriate because as a baby is born, the parents receive the baby - a divine gift to love, a sacred agreement to parent and protect, a treasured opportunity to grow and become. Due to all of the trials, disappointments, and subsequent learning we have had along with the tremendous support you all have given us - we are ready to receive such a blessing! Thank you! The gratitude is overflowing and the magnitude of this experience is humbling.

At this time, as we savor the recent Christmas blessings of family and time together and celebrate the upcoming New Year, we share our gratitude and hope with all of you - may your New Year be filled with abundant blessings!

With love and hope,
Tamara and Tony

Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving! We can hardly believe that so much time has passed since our last post. Today I awoke early with a heart full of gratitude. Today (and every day) we give thanks for the blessings we have received and are about to receive. We have been filled with gratitude for all of the prayers, love, and light we receive every day from all of you who are with us on this journey. We give thanks for the possibility of starting a family very soon. We give thanks for our beautiful home, our dear friends, our loving families, and jobs that provide us income to make our dream come true. The list goes on and on, really.

When I was growing up and starting to feel a little down or negative, my dad always reminded me to "make your gratitude list". It always worked! I have not been feeling down, but I realize that I am always making this list in my mind. I am thankful for all of the abundance in our lives; and for the roads we have traveled. It takes a lot to be able to say that because many have not been smooth and we have experienced great loss - but I am!

I reread some of the pages of a daily mandala journal that I made during the months that we were in the process of having a surrogate carry our child. I was taking hormones, she was taking hormones, she was far away and we knew it was probably our final effort to have a child that was biologically ours. We had lost two children already and I had almost died. This felt like our last chance. I made a drawing every day and then wrote about it. It was a way for me to be present in the process and to stay connected to what was happening when things sometimes felt so surreal. Reading through them recently, I saw the word "hope" over and over - on almost every page. It is no accident that we named our blog "hoping4baby". One of the paintings I did after a very disappointing loss is entitled "Window of Hope". Throughout all of the adversity in the past seven years, Tony and I both have remained hopeful that one day we will be a family. We decided that "hope" will part of our baby's name when he or she arrives because through our hope, our baby has been with us all this time.

We are thankful that God has always provided us with the hope we needed and we pray that soon our baby Hope will come to be with us and make us a family. We are grateful that our hope has already made us stronger. May God bless each of you with what you need and may you always live with hope in your heart.

With love and hope,
Tamara and Tony

Dream Big

Our pastor taught a lesson recently about "Dream Big". There was a time when our pain outweighed our dreams and now we know it really is important to dream and to believe- just like the Marianne Williamson quote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

Dreaming big allows us to invite and accept God's will and the miracles that are available. We pray for this miracle and hope, with active faith, that our baby will come to us soon. We believe this to be true and know that by doing this we are liberated from our fear of not being parents. We will be parents soon! Our dreams are big; including Tamara staying home for a while to be with baby and Tamara breastfeeding (this is possible without being pregnant), practice babywearing, and sharing our baby with all of our loved ones.  Thank you all for your supportive actions, sentiments, and prayers.

With love and hope,
Tamara and Tony